What I Have to Look Forward to Now That I'm Sober - Volume 1

1) Actually remembering to floss on Friday and Saturday nights. Actually remembering to brush my teeth on Friday and Saturday nights. Baby steps, people.

2) Never using Facebook’s ‘poke’ function again.

3) Watching Saturday Night Live, live. (Still not sure if this is actually a good thing.)

4) Never revisiting this scenario:

I am walking to the subway Monday morning when I notice a strange lump in the left pant leg of my skinny jeans. I reach down and touch it. It is soft. I immediately remember that I wore said jeans Saturday night – the same night I emptied out the $200 I had in my emergency savings account at a karaoke bar in the Lower East Side. In a matter of seconds, it all becomes very clear: I neglected to remove my jeans and my panties individually Saturday night and instead pulled them off in unison, allowing my ultra-sexy red silk thong grey cotton briefs to be lost in the denim abyss.

The skinny jean, tapered by design, effectively trapped the panties in the left leg. My overtired and undercaffeinated self put on the jeans, failing to notice the balled-up undergarment protruding from my left pant leg until the 6 train I take to work has pulled into the station. I must then choose one of two unfortunate scenarios: 1) Go home and remove the panties and arrive late for work, or 2) Continue on to work, and (even if no one takes notice and inquires about the bulge in my pant leg), I still must remove Saturday’s panties and carry them around in my purse for the rest of the day.

Has this ever happened to you? Are you thinking of unsubscribing from this blog?